My name is Katie, I live in Sheffield, and I am diagnosed with ‘Personality Disorder’. I am a mother with a nine years old son who is my carer. I have been affected by suicide most of my life in different ways. Until the age of 36, I had attempted suicide several times and had lost two of my best friends to it. Suicide is still part of my life. There is a lot of stigma about mental health. Some people think personality disorder means we are evil and dangerous, and the word ‘disorder’ doesn’t help.
I think living with mental illness is harder for women because we are supposed to be stable homemakers and look after children and family, no matter what. I have been told I shouldn’t have had children as my son has been under child protection plan and social services. It makes me feel very guilty as my mental illness has obviously affected my son, but I am doing my best to get support for him so he won’t grow up with mental health problems. I had a difficult childhood at home which I don’t want to talk about. At school, I got bullied a lot which led to my self-loathing and self-harming.
When I was 15, I started self-harming which got gradually worse. Most of the time, I felt I wasn’t in my body, heard voices, and got intensely attached to people. The main episode of my suicide attempt happened in 2007 when I tried to set myself and my home on fire. At that time, I wasn’t diagnosed with any mental health condition so I was charged with arson and ended up in prison. It was a horrible situation which worsened my mental health. In prison I met a prolific serial killer who told me in detail about what she had done to her victims– no one wants those images in their heads. Flashback to those days still triggers me. I continued hurting myself in prison. After six months, my solicitor got a private psychiatrist who did a lot of tests on me and finally diagnosed me with Personality Disorder. It was a relief to know what was the problem and also saved me from spending at least 20 years in prison. However, I didn’t receive much help or support when I was there.
When I was released from prison, I saw a psychiatrist every week and then I was referred to the Therapeutic Community Centre in Birmingham and stayed there for 12 months. The Therapeutic Community was a residential unit for people with ‘personality disorder’. It was like an informal hospital setting where we could be part of a supportive community which was very helpful. Rather than being sectioned in hospital or isolated at home, we ate together, went shopping together, and had psychotherapy. We also had different kinds of art-based therapies including drama which I enjoyed a lot. Unfortunately, they shut this unit down as a part of the government’s ‘cost-saving’ policy regardless of how helpful it was for people like me.
In an Ideal World.
I still struggle with my mental health and receive help from mental health services. In my opinion, the whole system is under-funded. More funding, training, and more mental health support workers are needed. In an ideal world, there would be more Therapeutic Community Centres like the one I was referred to in Birmingham. It could help people to improve their mental health, especially those with Personality Disorder. We need more support, especially for younger people so their mental health doesn’t develop because it becomes much harder when you are an adult. It would be really helpful to have more support groups for mothers and children, and for young carers who are affected by mental health.
The police need more training and more awareness about mental health so people like me are not sent to prison because of self-harm. When you are in crisis you immediately need something there and then. I have rang lots of Out of Hours helplines but it depends on who you get on the other end of the phone. Sometimes it could be hours before we get a call back and by that time it might be too late. My experience has been positive but I have heard other people have had bad experiences with the crisis team. There is Sheffield Support Hub in the city centre which is helpful if people need help. The Decision Unit at the Longley Centre at the Northern General Hospital is also good and quiet although very difficult to get in because there aren’t enough beds.
Finding Little Pleasure in Everyday Life
It might seem unimportant, but finding little pleasures in everyday life, like bird’s singing, sunshine, and being out in nature helps a lot. Look for small pleasures. It’s hard to see but they are there. Being with my son and my wife helps me. I have a blanket with our pictures printed on it and it reminds me of hope and happier times. It also reminds me that we can be happy again. When I go to Decision Unit I take it with me, it goes everywhere with me.
Creativity is also very helpful. Drama is my favourite activity. I wrote a story about my mental health from the point of view of my boy. When I do drama it makes me feel alive. I am also involved with SAYit (LGBT) and do fundraising events and activities there. I like watching rugby and I do abstract painting.
My message to people who are out there and suffer is hang in there! You will find hope again.
