I had my first breakdown May 2017. It hit me hard. I took my first overdose and I didn’t want to wake up and I felt a sense of anger when I did. I was saved and admitted to a crisis house. My mental Illness continued to stay with me. I had suicidal thoughts and heard voices, and I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair. I had lost my new job and felt myself in a spiral going downwards at rapid speed. I was in and out of the crisis house, a place of safety where the 24/7 support was especially important when the voices attacked me during the night. They were forever saving me when I was ready to close my eyes for the final time. However I could only stay there for a week. I found that self-harm gave me a sense of release and this became my way of coping more often. I was in a place that I now no longer recognise. I remember not wanting to go out anymore as I felt safe in my room away from others. But alone with my thoughts was in fact the most dangerous place to be. I just felt so alone and weighed down by the voices. I was having weekly therapy from the Community Mental Health Team, medication reviews along with diazepam and sleeping tablets, and I was using mental health charity help lines at least 2-3 times a day. I also used the crisis team out of hours. I was in despair and I was struggling against suicidal thoughts and harming.
In October, following another suicide attempt that led to me being resuscitated, I was sectioned. When I look back now this time is a blur. I remember waking up with a giant mask on my face and the next thing I was in an ambulance with its siren wailing and taken to a section unit at the mental health hospital. This was the worst time of my life but also a massive turning point. I was under section for around three weeks during which I received intense therapy and medication. I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress. When I came home it was the moment I realized that I had crumbled and was at the very bottom. The only way, I thought, is UP! I started with more therapy and it took time – a long time – but slowly I started to see a light. The voices became quiet and the suicidal and harming thoughts became less and less. I began to want to put makeup on and go out again. I started to feel happy and the bad days began to disappear.
I’m still on the road to recovery and I’m sure there’s a lot more to overcome but I’m happy. I never thought I would be but I am! I look back and that person wasn’t the real me. My friends and family were amazing and I owe my life to them. This is My Story and I’m proud.
