Joe 1: “Hello and welcome to another episode of ‘What’s Up With You?’, our daily internal gameshow written, produced and directed by me, Joe, which asks the question “What’s Up With You?’. Today we are of course joined by our regular and only contestant, me Joe! And…also Richard Osman for some reason, as I guess he has to be in everything nowadays. So, Joe, how are you doing?”
Joe 2: “Erm, I don’t know Joe. Bit wobbly, I think.”
J1: “Well, I’m afraid that’s not the answer we have on the card”
J2: “Wait, we started already?”
J1: “What you could have had was happy or sad.”
J2: “Isn’t that a bit simplistic though?”
J1: “One hundred percent. Now, moving swiftly onto our first round we asked your friends whether or not they hate you-”
J2: “You did what?”
J1: “-And unfortunately all we got was positives, so we chucked them in the bin and instead decided to focus on some responses that we completely made up. So, Question 1: Do you think you annoy the hell out of everyone when you talk at social events?”
J2: “Erm…I mean, maybe I can go on a little bit but-”
J1: “Afraid the answer was yes, your voice is irritating, high-pitched and makes everyone think you’re full of yourself.”
J2: “Oh.”
J1: “Question 2: Do you think people don’t pick up your calls as they are actively avoiding you?”
J2: “I mean their lives don’t revolve around me.”
J1: “Wrong. They spend all their time thinking how much better it would be if you hadn’t have come into their lives.”
J2: “Even my best friend.”
J1: “Especially your best friend… Now, next up, we have an old favourite. It’s the round where you think about minor incidents that happened years ago and continually go over them in your head for no other reason than to make yourself feel worthless!”
J2: “Do we have to?”
J1: “Your choice, you can forfeit now, and spend all day in bed if you’d prefer”
J2: “No…Let’s just do the round.”
J1: “Excellent. Now do you remember that time you tripped into that man at the bus stop and you kept apologising?”
J2: “Of course”
J1: “Well, is he a) out there waiting to get you b) hospitalised by the crippling leg injury you gave him or c) constantly upset and traumatised about ever going to that bus stop again?”
J2: “Erm… I dunno?”
J1: “Correct. You don’t know! So why not replay those images over and over in your head as they’re all equally possible.”
J2: (Sighs) “Yep.”
J1: “Now before we move to our final round, let’s take a break and go over to Richard with the scores.”
Imaginary Richard Osman: “Well, Joe, he’s not in a good position that’s for sure. He’s running low and his eyes keep flitting about. His left knee is shaking and yes, I think he’s about to start scrolling social media endlessly in some attempt to make him connect with the real world. It’s not looking good. Anyway, back to you Joe. ”
J1: “Thanks Richard. Well, maybe Joe you can pull it back in the final round. And for this one we have for you a very special guest. Yes, it’s your Inner Confidence. Hello!”
Inner Confidence: “Hey.”
J1: “So, Joe, in order to win the game you have 30 seconds in which you need to get your Inner Confidence to boost your self-esteem. Do you think you can do it?”
J2: “Maybe?”
J1: “That’s the spirit. So, with 30 seconds on the clock, let’s go.”
J2: “Erm…if I shave my head will that look better than my receding hairline? Or will that just make people look at me more on the street? Are people looking at me, or is it just the fact that I wore this shirt? Which I thought was a Medium but now I realise is slim fit and so I look like a pepperami that’s been sat on. And I don’t know if I even like it, I just thought that I’d make an effort today but what’s the point of making an effort if it’s not going to make me feel better and why can’t I just feel better? Why can’t I just feel better? Why-”
J1: “Beep. Beep. Beep. Ah, too bad, Joe, the sound of me making those noises signifies that your time is up. And I’m afraid like usual you didn’t manage to boost your self-esteem but instead just got caught in a tailspin. But better luck next time, eh?”
J2: “Does there have to be a next time?”
J1: “Afraid so.”
J2: “I mean whatever I do, there’s no right answer.”
J1: “Exactly.”
J2: “All I’m doing is catastrophizing and attacking myself”
J1: “Yep.”
J2: “It’s just Pointless.”
Imaginary Richard Osman: “Hey”
J2: “So, why do I keep doing this? Why am I being so tough on myself. Why can’t I just stop?”
J1: “I don’t know…I really don’t. All I know is that we’ll see you for our next episode, right?”
J2: “Right.”
J1: “Well anyway, that’s all we’ve got time for today so it’s a goodbye from me, and it’s a goodbye from Richard. And we’ll see you tomorrow at the same time, for another anxiety-inducing episode of ‘What’s Up With You?’! Thank you and Goodnight!”
