Amy Rollitt: She

Here the poet describes how difficult it is when the person you know best stops you from doing what you enjoy and makes you doubt yourself. She conquers this former friend and shows us it’s possible to overcome the greatest of challenges.

She

She used to be my friend
She was never really big on compliments but we got on well enough.
She was always on my side.
She always stuck up for me when I doubted myself

But then things started to change.
She started to get a bit needy
She didn’t want other people around
She started making me act like an idiot and push everyone away
She made me believe I was a grown up, I didn’t need anybody else

She always persuaded me not to go out
She wanted me to spend time with her drinking
She persuaded me it was cheaper and warmer staying in, why would I want to go out?
She made sense

She started getting me into trouble
She was always making me do things wrong
She made me believe it was everybody else that was just being fussy
She always found me a drink when I needed one, because drinking solves everything

She started to hate me
She made me believe everybody else hated me
She was constantly there stirring up trouble
Every time things started going right, she was there, giving me great a big kick back down and laughing
She never told me she hated me, I just knew.

She was always there to remind me how rubbish I was and how rubbish my life was
She was always there to remind me how I did everybody’s head in
She was always there to remind me that everybody’s life would be so much more simple if I wasn’t in it
She was always there to remind me that I was toxic, everything I touched just disintegrated
She was always there to remind me I had nothing left

She wasn’t going to stop
I just wanted her to go away but she wouldn’t
She was always there, reminding me how a drink would make my pathetic life slightly more bearable.

She wanted me to suffer
She wanted me alone
She wanted me dead.

Who is she?
She is my own mind.

Now she has gone
She went away when I went into hospital
Somebody new has taken her place
Somebody who genuinely likes me

Her that was here before
She is well and truly SACKED!!!

2 Comments

  • juliet

    Hi Amy I loved your poem. I hope your ‘new friend’ tells you how wonderful you are, tells you you deserve to be loved and cared for. I hope she promises that she will love you unconditionally. It took me 65 years to find my new friend, she is still learning to tell me she loves me but she is doing her best to care for me and keep me safe. I am so privileged to have found her. Wishing you every happiness. X

    • Amy

      Thank you very much Juliet. I have had no problems in the last five years which I am so relieved about. I have learnt a lot about how to deal with things properly and what works for me. So I am in a really good place now and I am the happiest I’ve ever been with myself. I actually like who I am now which feels so good. Xx

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